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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Obama Vows To Raise Minimum Wage

President Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, in which he most notably highlighted the income inequality gap in the United States and asked Congress to raise the federal minimum wage from $7.25 to $10.10 an hour. What do you think?

  • “A minimum wage increase is long past due, but come on. Who needs to be making double figures every hour?”

    Sissy Buhler Fabric Dyer
  • “It was classic Obama, the way he stood there and delivered a bunch of messages to Americans.”

    Tony DiDonato Olive Oil Importer
  • “If poor people had more money, they’d just blow it on buying things.”

    Harry Zane Systems Analyst

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