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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Obama Will Not Preempt Football

President Obama promised that Thursday's jobs address to Congress would not conflict with the NFL season opener between Green Bay and New Orleans. What do you think?

  • “So, in terms of the most powerful branches of government, it now goes legislative, sporting, judicial, and executive?”

    Keith Harkness Log Scaler
  • "Think of all the jobs he’s sustaining in the beer-drinking, snack-eating, and obscenity-hurling sectors!"

    Sarah Peth Weight Analyst
  • "This seems sort of pointless. Doesn't everyone in Congress have a job?"

    Marty Lake Mold Filler

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