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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Obama’s Approval Rating Hits Record Low

With numerous problems afflicting his signature health care law, President Barack Obama is facing the worst polling numbers of his presidency, with a record low 39 percent of Americans approving of his performance. What do you think?

  • “He never should have gotten that second dog.”

    Alejandro Alvarado Systems Analyst
  • “Yeah, I’ve been trending down lately, too.”

    Kevin Trevino Air Traffic Controller
  • “And to think, all of this could’ve been avoided by not giving a shit about people’s health.”

    Judith Ascher Building Inspector

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