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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Obamas To Speak At SXSW

Both Barack and Michelle Obama will be featured as keynote speakers at this year’s South by Southwest conference in Austin. What do you think?

  • “They should open with a joke. That’s always good advice.”

    Artie Wilkes Diploma Framer
  • “The scheduling at SXSW always forces me to choose between seeing two of my favorite world leaders.”

    Lydia Monson Pasta Shaper
  • “What an honor to take the stage right after the youth marketing coordinator for Red Bull!”

    Ted Dolan Lumber Sander
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