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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Obama's Speech Moved Indoors

Due to the likelihood of severe storms, President Obama’s acceptance speech tonight at the Democratic National Convention has been moved from the 73,000-seat Bank of America Stadium to the 20,000-seat Time Warner Cable Arena. What do you think?

  • “Remember, voters, this is yet another broken promise from Barack Obama.”

    Layne Crum Unemployed
  • “I hope his prepared speech wasn’t all about how great it was to be standing outside.”

    Kai Mashimo Carpenter
  • “You know who else liked being inside? Karl Marx.”

    Todd Lopez Kosher Kitchen Overseer

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