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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Obama's Twitter Account Hacked

An unemployed young Frenchman is being accused of hacking into the Twitter accounts of President Barack Obama and Britney Spears by correctly answering their security questions and then resetting their passwords. What do you think?

  • "So this guy was pretending to be the guy who usually pretends to be the president? Scary."

    Jon Armstrong Systems Analyst
  • "I don’t even want to imagine the kind of 140-character discord some prankster terrorist could have wreaked with that information."

    Jessica Frederiksen Justowriter Operator
  • "He tipped his hand when he tweeted ‘Pass ce projet de loi de santé goddamn donc je ne ressemble pas à un jackoff’ from Obama's account."

    Neil Steineckert Oil Pipe Inspector

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