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Obesity On The Rise

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God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Obesity On The Rise

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?
  • "It's a sin to waste food, and America just happens to have 16 boxes of almost-expired Ding Dongs for every man, woman, and child."

    Norine <br>Barrodale Loan Clerk
  • "If they knew the pain and humiliation of being obese, scientists wouldn't do these studies."

    Joseph Ortiz Machine <br>Operator
  • "For your information, there are those who appreciate the curvy hips and ample breasts of a full-figured man, thank you very much."

    Don Watson Paperhanger
  • "And with the insidious new alliance between Donald Trump and Grimace, it's only going to get worse."

    Dennis <br>Moreland Systems <br>Analyst
  • "This study buys into fascist media images about what is and isn't a leading cause of heart disease."

    Eve Huffman Optometrist
  • "The Clean Plate Club is big--bigger than anyone realizes. Look for a man named 'Boy-Ar-Dee.' There's your story."

    Dana Harrison Radiation <br>Therapist

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