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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers

A new report from the CDC found that rates of obesity among preschool-aged children from low-income families fell slightly in 18 states between 2008 and 2011, the first time researchers have seen a decline in decades. What do you think?

  • “They’ve got time to catch up.”

    Calvin Goodson Crate Builder
  • “It’s these kinds of marginal improvements that give me not hope exactly, but certainly slightly less dread for the future.”

    Margaret Romano Swimming Pool Installer
  • “Sounds like someone deserves a pizza party!”

    Brent Melhase Genealogist

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