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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Obesity Rates Plateau

Government health officials report that obesity rates in the United States have leveled off. What do you think?
  • "I don't get it. Did we run out of food?"

    Penelope LeBlanc
    Systems Analyst
  • "I hope obesity rates don’t start actually decreasing. I’m barely considered attractive by comparison as it is."

    Gabe Clail
    Housepainter
  • "At last, medical science has finally acknowledged the ‘big-boned’ phenomena."

    Keith Sherwood
    Watch Repairman
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