adBlockCheck

Recent News

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Obesity To Skyrocket By 2030

According to projections from health advocacy organizations, more than half the adult population in 39 states will be clinically obese by 2030, with Mississippi predicted to lead the nation with an obesity rate of 67 percent. What do you think?

  • “So if I want to someday have sex with an American, I should do it now?”

    Dee Dee Shea Rhinestone Setter
  • “Cool, look how ahead of my time I am. I’m already a fat fuck.”

    Roberta Altamura Animal-Hospital Clerk
  • “Ugh, and as if that weren’t bad enough, imagine how old everyone will be by then.”

    Don Rhodes Winch Operator

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close