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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Obesity To Skyrocket By 2030

According to projections from health advocacy organizations, more than half the adult population in 39 states will be clinically obese by 2030, with Mississippi predicted to lead the nation with an obesity rate of 67 percent. What do you think?

  • “So if I want to someday have sex with an American, I should do it now?”

    Dee Dee Shea Rhinestone Setter
  • “Cool, look how ahead of my time I am. I’m already a fat fuck.”

    Roberta Altamura Animal-Hospital Clerk
  • “Ugh, and as if that weren’t bad enough, imagine how old everyone will be by then.”

    Don Rhodes Winch Operator

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