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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Occupy Calls For General Strike

The Occupy movement has declared May 1 to be a day of national protest and has asked people not to go to work, conduct banking, or go shopping. What do you think?

  • "It’s not a good day for me because I have three meetings, but tell you what, I'll wear my Guy Fawkes mask."

    Gareth Carson Human Factors Specialist
  • "I had no plans to bank today, but I am a banker. While I will be attending work, I'll mostly be practicing my putting on my office's floor. So basically I'm good here."

    Stephanie Bauchau Bank Manager
  • "Obviously there’s no place in this movement for those of us who only feel alive when filling out deposit slips."

    Dallas Elkins Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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