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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Occupy Calls For General Strike

The Occupy movement has declared May 1 to be a day of national protest and has asked people not to go to work, conduct banking, or go shopping. What do you think?

  • "It’s not a good day for me because I have three meetings, but tell you what, I'll wear my Guy Fawkes mask."

    Gareth Carson Human Factors Specialist
  • "I had no plans to bank today, but I am a banker. While I will be attending work, I'll mostly be practicing my putting on my office's floor. So basically I'm good here."

    Stephanie Bauchau Bank Manager
  • "Obviously there’s no place in this movement for those of us who only feel alive when filling out deposit slips."

    Dallas Elkins Unemployed

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