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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Occupy Toronto

Following a three-hour discussion, participants in the Occupy Toronto movement took to the streets, marching from St. James Park to Dundas Square, and then back. What do you think?

  • "I'm happy to be here supporting. This kind of oppositional defiance is really appropriate for my personal brand."

    Chester Pelo Systems Analyst
  • "Three hours to agree to a two-kilometer round-trip stroll? Well, obviously these guys are serious."

    Julie LaChapelle Flagger
  • "Ugh. I knew if we all circled back to pick up Chad’s windbreaker we’d come off looking like assholes."

    Seth Chartrand Unemployed

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