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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
  • "Uh oh. Eight Aquariuses living under the same roof for the next 18 years—yikes."

    Gina Lobell Systems Analyst
  • "So does that mean that one is gay, three are below the poverty line, three have a bachelor's or associate's degree, and two are divorced?"

    Brent Kubesch Demand Planner
  • "Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious!"

    Michael Carpenter Manager of Assembly Operations

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