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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
  • "Uh oh. Eight Aquariuses living under the same roof for the next 18 years—yikes."

    Gina Lobell Systems Analyst
  • "So does that mean that one is gay, three are below the poverty line, three have a bachelor's or associate's degree, and two are divorced?"

    Brent Kubesch Demand Planner
  • "Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious!"

    Michael Carpenter Manager of Assembly Operations

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