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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Off His Rocker?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted Asians and single mothers, and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway "next to some queer with AIDS." As a result, baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?
  • "Why do we crucify the one man brave enough to speak out against the raging epidemic of ethnic diversity in America?"

    Emily Cord Teacher
  • "Me come to America to take away good jobs and buy beautiful white womans. Why he so mad?"

    Sunji Bardeekian Shopkeeper
  • "If I hated blacks and Hispanics, I'd definitely go into baseball."

    Lisa Rinaldi Lawyer
  • "I can't believe an organization like the Atlanta Braves would be associated with racism. It almost makes me ashamed to do the Tomahawk Chop."

    Richard Hamill Systems Analyst
  • "This Rocker affair is not unprecedented. In 1910, Ty Cobb underwent psychological testing after using the word 'nigger.' Luckily, he was able to get the help he needed in time."

    Wayne Langham Truck Driver
  • "It makes sense that John Rocker would be shocked by the sight of blacks and unwed mothers with multiple children, being from Georgia and all."

    Kenneth Billups Civil Engineer

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