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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Off His Rocker?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted Asians and single mothers, and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway "next to some queer with AIDS." As a result, baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?
  • "Why do we crucify the one man brave enough to speak out against the raging epidemic of ethnic diversity in America?"

    Emily Cord Teacher
  • "Me come to America to take away good jobs and buy beautiful white womans. Why he so mad?"

    Sunji Bardeekian Shopkeeper
  • "If I hated blacks and Hispanics, I'd definitely go into baseball."

    Lisa Rinaldi Lawyer
  • "I can't believe an organization like the Atlanta Braves would be associated with racism. It almost makes me ashamed to do the Tomahawk Chop."

    Richard Hamill Systems Analyst
  • "This Rocker affair is not unprecedented. In 1910, Ty Cobb underwent psychological testing after using the word 'nigger.' Luckily, he was able to get the help he needed in time."

    Wayne Langham Truck Driver
  • "It makes sense that John Rocker would be shocked by the sight of blacks and unwed mothers with multiple children, being from Georgia and all."

    Kenneth Billups Civil Engineer

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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