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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits

Congressman Bob Ney, who is under investigation for his dealings with lobbyist Jack Abramoff, has abandoned his campaign for reelection. What do you think?
  • "The Bob Ney I know is a man of integrity. The Bob Ney I know is a man of honor. The Bob Ney I know is a doctor in Sarasota, Florida."

    Vicki Shields Union Organizer
  • "Ney is only backing out because he wants to spend more time with his family—all of whom he bills at $700 an hour."

    Bob Partenheimer Meat Cutter
  • "Can you blame him? Being a congressman isn't nearly as lucrative since this whole corruption crackdown."

    Andy Bernstein Systems Analyst

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