Ohio May Need Recount

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Vol 48 Issue 45

Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Ohio May Need Recount

Polls in Ohio have shown a tight race for its crucial 18 electoral votes, leading many pundits to predict a statewide recount that could delay official tallies—and a clear victory in the presidential contest—until December. What do you think?

  • “I doubt that will happen. When has Ohio ever let us down?”

    Victor Samuel
    Haberdasher
  • “How could anyone focus on recounting all those ballots when the Bicycle Museum of America is right there?!”

    Lou Tudhope
    Scrap-Tire Shearer
  • “It’s a Christmas miracle!"

    Gracie Szkoda
    Unemployed
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