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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Ohio Walmart Holds Food Drive For Own Workers

A Walmart location in Canton, OH has placed a number of large bins in one of the back rooms of its store to collect donations for company employees who are having difficulty putting enough food on the table during the holidays. What do you think?

  • “That hopping smiley face should be ashamed of itself.”

    Saundra LaBelle Fertilizer Mixer
  • “It was nice of the company to provide the empty bins.”

    Tommy Tsang Scholarship Counselor
  • “Well, it’s settled! I’m working for Walmart!”

    Maxwell Leonard Snack Stand Attendant
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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