Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

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Vol 46 Issue 17

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

Following the explosion of a BP offshore drilling rig, 45,000 gallons of oil are pumping into the Gulf of Mexico each day, and the slick may hit the U.S. coast this weekend. What do you think?

  • "I'm so jealous of that vast, fertile ecosystem of underwater marine life getting all that free oil."

    Brendan Glass
    Business Objects Consultant
  • "This is God's punishment for our new law allowing homosexuals to crash oil tankers."

    Sean Romano
    Machinist
  • "Why do oil rigs go so far into the ocean to drill, anyway? Wouldn't it be easier just to drill at the gas stations?"

    Tara Abshire
    Performance Engineer
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