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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

Following the explosion of a BP offshore drilling rig, 45,000 gallons of oil are pumping into the Gulf of Mexico each day, and the slick may hit the U.S. coast this weekend. What do you think?

  • "I'm so jealous of that vast, fertile ecosystem of underwater marine life getting all that free oil."

    Brendan Glass Business Objects Consultant
  • "This is God's punishment for our new law allowing homosexuals to crash oil tankers."

    Sean Romano Machinist
  • "Why do oil rigs go so far into the ocean to drill, anyway? Wouldn't it be easier just to drill at the gas stations?"

    Tara Abshire Performance Engineer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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