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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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O.J. Confession Book Cancelled

After stirring up a cloud of controversy, Fox and ReganBooks parent company News Corp cancelled both publication of the O.J. Simpson book If I Did It and a televised interview with Simpson. What do you think?
  • "There go my stocking stuffers. What am I going to give to all my aunts and uncles, especially the ones who blatantly murdered their ex-wives?"

    Frank Rabin Wedding Officiant
  • "What does this mean for the future of Judith Regan's hypothetical memoir If I Tried To Crassly Exploit Tragedy, Here's How It Happened?"

    Karen Stein Receptionist
  • "Now that all this is cancelled, we might never see the conclusive proof we need that O.J. Simpson is the world's greatest crime-detail guesser."

    Oscar Mendoza Hat Blocker
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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