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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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O.J. Simpson Car Chase Hits 20th Anniversary

Today marks 20 years since the day that football star O.J. Simpson, who had been named as a suspect in the murder of his wife, led police on a low-speed highway chase as 95 million gathered around to watch live on television. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man. Our family never gathers around the television set anymore.”

    Peter Kelejian Orchard Manager
  • “Think about it: Would an innocent man just let himself get arrested?”

    Gabriel Quebodeoux Unemployed
  • “Thank God that era of shameless television voyeurism is over.”

    Megan Scranton Police Report Filer

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