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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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O.J. Simpson Car Chase Hits 20th Anniversary

Today marks 20 years since the day that football star O.J. Simpson, who had been named as a suspect in the murder of his wife, led police on a low-speed highway chase as 95 million gathered around to watch live on television. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man. Our family never gathers around the television set anymore.”

    Peter Kelejian Orchard Manager
  • “Think about it: Would an innocent man just let himself get arrested?”

    Gabriel Quebodeoux Unemployed
  • “Thank God that era of shameless television voyeurism is over.”

    Megan Scranton Police Report Filer

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