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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food

A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products. What do you think?

  • "Do they realize how much it’ll cost me in gas money if I have to schlep all the way over to Arkansas just to eat a baby?"

    Laura Epstein Systems Analyst
  • "Sure, we don't want fetuses in our food now, but what if things change 10 years down the road?"

    Dennis Washington Guide Setter
  • “I’m going to miss those late-night runs to Aborto’s for their amazing fetus wings.”

    Christopher De LaBarre Unemployed
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