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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Oklahoma Tornado Was Largest In U.S. History

The tornado that struck El Reno, OK last Friday was the widest tornado ever recorded at 2.6 miles in diameter, leaving a trail of destruction 16.2 miles long. What do you think?

  • “Come on, America. We can beat this record.”

    Rose Bromilow Oyster Bed Laborer
  • “No one believed me, but I knew that thing was going to be huge the second it became 2 miles wide.”

    Guy Tuerpe Systems Analyst
  • “A 16.2-mile path of destruction? Sounds like teenagers to me.”

    Antonio Paradiso Wood Buffer

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