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Moussaoui May Be Executed

A federal jury reached the verdict that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 20th Sept. 11 hijacker, is eligible for the death penalty. What do you...

Earth Passed Over For Invasion

BETA QUADRANT, ZGYXA—Nearly 200,000 hostile aliens from the planet Zgyxa skipped invading Earth Monday, saying it "does not seem worth the...

Detroit Sold For Scrap

DETROIT—Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick decided to "act now, while we can still get a little something for it."

Tom DeLay Resigns

Amidst mounting accusations and criminal charges of ethics violations, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced yesterday that he is...

Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you...

Abramoff Gets 70 Months

Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe...
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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