On Derek Jeter’s 3,000th Hit

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Vol 47 Issue 29

Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year

WASHINGTON—Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation's school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year, sources confirmed Friday.
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On Derek Jeter’s 3,000th Hit

  • "I don't think he needed to jump when he was hitting it."


  • "I liked that it was a home run, but I couldn’t give a shit about the stupid career-milestone aspect."


  • "Wow, I can’t think of a better thing to get 3,000 of. Except for dollars and slam dunks."


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