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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
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On Jennifer Capriati's 1994 Arrest For Marijuana Possession

  • “Tennis can be pretty stressful for people who take it seriously as opposed to treating it as the silly game that it is.”

  • “Oh my god, am I back in 1994? I need to tell Jessica Warnick that I love her!”

  • "You know that when I said I needed to think about it and told you to ask me again in 17 years I was joking, right?"

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