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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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On Jennifer Capriati's 1994 Arrest For Marijuana Possession

  • “Tennis can be pretty stressful for people who take it seriously as opposed to treating it as the silly game that it is.”

  • “Oh my god, am I back in 1994? I need to tell Jessica Warnick that I love her!”

  • "You know that when I said I needed to think about it and told you to ask me again in 17 years I was joking, right?"

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