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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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On Nike Becoming The NFL’s Athletic Gear Provider

  • "You know, if the Oregon Ducks are anything to go by, this is the worst thing to happen in the history of professional football."

  • "They should never have used Firestone for the cleats. Seven linemen rolling over and catching fire is seven too many."

  • "I could say something snarky about how switching out one logo for another isn't exactly news, but if I had to go one day without hearing the word 'NFL,' I would probably kill myself."

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