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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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On Peyton Manning Going To The Broncos

  • "God is gracious and knows we love nothing more than seeing bad things happen to Tim Tebow."

  • "I guess it doesn't matter now if Tebow was never born."

  • "It seems strange to be praising a John Elway business decision, but what could be questionable about handing $96 million to a guy who was cut from his last team?"

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