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Content From 2009-06-24

The Bachelorette

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT After viewing a production of Tony N' Tina's Wedding, the bachelorette, clad in a penis-shaped hat and a sash, gets drunk on oversized margaritas with 11 of her friends at a local Mexican place, then dances lewdly for hour...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

On Team Chemistry:

  • "Chemistry is vital. Only the closest-knit teams are able to all jump and down in unison after winning a big game."


  • "I've always said nothing unites professional athletes like their shared homophobia."


  • "Oh totally, chemistry is so important. So are intangibles, fundamentals and having fun out there. Talent ranks eighth I think."


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