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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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On The Indy Crowd Booing Danica Patrick

  • "It was a rather sophisticated crowd, and they didn't appreciate her blaming her slow time on her gender like that."

  • "Maybe if she weren't posing half-nude on the car every time they tried to make an adjustment, it would run better."

  • "I thought they booed because she was being a complete jerk, but then they applauded for A.J. Foyt. Now I'm just confused."

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