On The Olympic Opening Ceremonies:

Top Headlines


Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

On The Olympic Opening Ceremonies:

  • "America's totally gonna get the gold medal in Waving to Throngs! USA! USA!"

  • "Oh, now I understand the spirit and meaning of the Olympics!"

  • "Oh man, remember in 2004 when Seychelles marched in, and they were doing it all normal and then WHAM, they went into that choreographed little Macarena routine? How are they gonna top that?"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close