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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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On The Packers' Disappointing Start

On the heels of a Super Bowl win two years ago and a 15-1 season last year, the Green Bay Packers take a disappointing 2-3 record into their week-six matchup against the unbeaten Houston Texans. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, it’s disappointing they don’t look as bad as that Super Bowl team from two years ago that started 3-3.”

  • “The Packers are just one solid running back, two defensive ends, three linebackers, two cornerbacks, one safety, one left tackle, one right tackle, and one left guard away from being a Super Bowl contender again.”

  • “It’s a shame that they’re in a league where no team could possibly come back from a slow start to win a championship.”

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