On The Ravens Losing Ray Lewis And Lardarius Webb To Injury

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

On The Ravens Losing Ray Lewis And Lardarius Webb To Injury

The AFC North–leading Baltimore Ravens were dealt a harsh blow Monday when defensive stars LB Ray Lewis (torn triceps) and CB Lardarius Webb (torn ACL) were ruled out for the rest of the season. What do you think?

  • “How can the league’s 26th-ranked defense ever recover from this?”


  • “This will only make the Ravens’ playoff run to the divisional round that much harder.”


  • “Yeah, but as far as I can tell from the way football is covered, the only player who makes an impact on a game is the quarterback.”


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