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On The Recent Rash Of NFL Injuries

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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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On The Recent Rash Of NFL Injuries

  • "I just wish these players would give the thumbs-up more often as they're being carted off. That would make me feel much better."

  • "I just knew that once Hines Ward got a sprained knee the whole Steelers locker room would get sprained knees."

  • "Is Todd Heap injured? No? Then who gives a shit?"

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