On Usain Bolt's Breathtaking 8.79-second 4x100 Anchor Leg At The Penn Relays

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Vol 46 Issue 17

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.
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On Usain Bolt's Breathtaking 8.79-second 4x100 Anchor Leg At The Penn Relays

  • "Yeah, but everybody knows that carrying a baton makes you faster."

  • "Do you get the feeling he's kind of like, too fast, though? I don't know, it just seems that way to me."

  • "I still say you can't call yourself the World's Fastest Man until you race every man in the world."

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