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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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One Direction Wins Big At VMAs

London-based boy band One Direction took home three MTV Video Music Awards last night, beating out Rihanna, Maroon 5, and Justin Bieber for best pop video with their chart-topping debut, “What Makes You Beautiful.” What do you think?

  • “Looks like all those hours of songwriting finally paid off.”

    Rico Chuba Mine Safety Engineer
  • “I wonder whether Americans are ready for British music.”

    Bruce Essenfeld Systems Analyst
  • “Another, nearly identical band was robbed!”

    Donna Bracewell Neuropathologist

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