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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy

A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do you think?
  • "Good riddance. Giving birth to live young is just so disgusting."

    Steven Frank Shoe Repairer
  • "If the worst happens, you can always get some day laborers to fill their ecological niche."

    Ryan Krutsch Roofer
  • "Don't worry. I've been raising some dogs and cats in captivity, just in case."

    Lora Mierendorf Weights and Measures Inspector

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