Onion Continues To Touch Millions

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Onion Continues To Touch Millions

The Onion has touched countless lives over its 250 years of publication. What story has affected you the most?

  • "Since each one is better than the last, I'd have to say the final story in the most recent issue."

    Anthony Byrne
    Linter-Saw Sharpener
  • "It wasn't easy to read about the physics behind Princess Diana's death, but I'm glad I did it."

    Maya Griff
    Shank Taper
  • "Wow, that's like asking me to choose which of my children is my favorite. But if you twisted my arm, I'd have to say its penetrating critique of state-government cronyism, and my firstborn son, Kevin."

    Steve Mackey
    Unemployed
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