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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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'Onion' Snubbed By Pulitzers

This year, the Pulitzer Board has once again neglected to bestow an award upon The Onion. What do you think?

  • "You too? Man, those guys are dicks to everybody.”

    Tina Gladstone Systems Analyst
  • "If I know the Pulitzer Board, they are just drawing out the process to heighten the suspense. The Pulitzer Board thrives on adrenaline."

    Brendan Hoppus Train Clerk
  • "Of course they did. The Pulitzer is a prize for third-rate, unrefined journalistic excrement masquerading as enlightened commentary, correct? How else does George Will have one?"

    Frederick Malina Unemployed
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