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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Online Poaching

Illegal online sales of endangered animal and plant species are becoming problematic, as they are both lucrative and difficult to regulate. What do you think?
  • "Tell me about it. Just last week, I purchased a majestic lowland gorilla off eBay, and the thing's turning out to be a real son of a bitch to take care of."

    Jack Albert Livery Driver
  • "Most of those 'rare species' dealers are scams anyhow. My so-called 'panda' turned out to be a heavily spray-painted sheepdog."

    Crissy Gray Cosmetologist
  • "First they crack down on mail-order brides, now this! Doesn't anyone understand how unbelievably lonely I am?"

    James Mills Caterer

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