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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Online Poaching

Illegal online sales of endangered animal and plant species are becoming problematic, as they are both lucrative and difficult to regulate. What do you think?
  • "Tell me about it. Just last week, I purchased a majestic lowland gorilla off eBay, and the thing's turning out to be a real son of a bitch to take care of."

    Jack Albert Livery Driver
  • "Most of those 'rare species' dealers are scams anyhow. My so-called 'panda' turned out to be a heavily spray-painted sheepdog."

    Crissy Gray Cosmetologist
  • "First they crack down on mail-order brides, now this! Doesn't anyone understand how unbelievably lonely I am?"

    James Mills Caterer
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