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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Online Porn Law Struck Down

Citing First Amendment concerns, Senior U.S. District Judge Lowell Reed Jr. struck down a law that made it illegal for adult-content providers to let children access sexual content. What do you think?
  • "The system works!'

    Leon Crawford Linguistics Professor
  • "If only there were some people around whose job it was to raise these children."

    Cynthia Fielding Paramedic
  • "Now that it's settled the speech issue, perhaps the court can turn its attention to our promise of free ringtones."

    Gavin Meyer Dog Walker

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