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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Online Wizarding University Opens For Harry Potter Fans

Die-hard fans of the Harry Potter series have opened Hogwarts Is Here, a free online university open to “all aspiring witches and wizards” where students enroll in nine-week courses based on classes Harry takes in the books. What do you think?

  • “You still can’t beat a degree from a brick-and-mortar fantasy university.”

    James Macaluso Metal Sculptor
  • “Come on, everyone knows all those online universities are scams.”

    Jenny Huston Skin Care Specialist
  • “I didn’t get in, but it was still neat to have a small owl deliver my rejection letter.”

    Ken Dreiband-Burman Paratransit Driver
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