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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Oregon Governor On Food Stamps

Gov. Ted Kulongoski of Oregon is living on a budget of a week's worth of food stamps for the state's Hunger Awareness Week. What do you think?
  • "Hopefully someone tipped him off to that deli in Portland that will totally let you use them to buy forties and scratch-offs."

    Jarred Georgeson Tavern Owner
  • "Sounds wonderful! According to my pioneering guide, there is more than enough food in Oregon for the worthy adventurer, from plentiful beavers to succulent ducks!

    Darren Butler Crop Duster
  • "I'd hate to be an Oregonian when it's Transvestite Awareness Week."

    Kristen Stewart Focus Puller

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