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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Organ-Transplant Prioritization

Congress recently reformed organ-transplant waiting-list laws, giving priority to the person most in need instead of the person geographically closest to the available organ. What do you think about the controversy over how to distribute life-saving organs?
  • "Organs should go to those with the fewest. I, for example, have only a left lung and a pancreas."

    Julie Paris Legal Secretary
  • "They're going to give organs to the people who need them most? That's great, because my Baldwin Fun Machine just went on the fritz. Yeah, the rhumba button's stuck."

    Doug Bailey Telemarketer
  • "I hope these new reforms don't mean I get bumped down on the waiting list for a new eye. Not that I need one, or anything—I just think it'd be awesome to have an eye in a jar."

    Geoff Mercy Systems Analyst
  • "I hope they get the technology perfected soon, because I could sure use one of those horse cocks."

    Risa Stargell Teacher
  • "This new 'worst-first' policy is un-American. Now how will our aging, alcoholic baseball heroes and hippie folk-rockers receive preferential liver transplants?"

    Michelle Hobbs Cellist
  • "Isn't it just like those greedy transplant cases—They gotta have just the right organ, and they gotta have it now."

    George Foley Longshoreman

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