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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Organ-Transplant Prioritization

Congress recently reformed organ-transplant waiting-list laws, giving priority to the person most in need instead of the person geographically closest to the available organ. What do you think about the controversy over how to distribute life-saving organs?
  • "Organs should go to those with the fewest. I, for example, have only a left lung and a pancreas."

    Julie Paris Legal Secretary
  • "They're going to give organs to the people who need them most? That's great, because my Baldwin Fun Machine just went on the fritz. Yeah, the rhumba button's stuck."

    Doug Bailey Telemarketer
  • "I hope these new reforms don't mean I get bumped down on the waiting list for a new eye. Not that I need one, or anything—I just think it'd be awesome to have an eye in a jar."

    Geoff Mercy Systems Analyst
  • "I hope they get the technology perfected soon, because I could sure use one of those horse cocks."

    Risa Stargell Teacher
  • "This new 'worst-first' policy is un-American. Now how will our aging, alcoholic baseball heroes and hippie folk-rockers receive preferential liver transplants?"

    Michelle Hobbs Cellist
  • "Isn't it just like those greedy transplant cases—They gotta have just the right organ, and they gotta have it now."

    George Foley Longshoreman

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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