Organ-Transplant Prioritization

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims
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Organ-Transplant Prioritization

Congress recently reformed organ-transplant waiting-list laws, giving priority to the person most in need instead of the person geographically closest to the available organ. What do you think about the controversy over how to distribute life-saving organs?
  • "Organs should go to those with the fewest. I, for example, have only a left lung and a pancreas."

    Julie Paris Legal Secretary
  • "They're going to give organs to the people who need them most? That's great, because my Baldwin Fun Machine just went on the fritz. Yeah, the rhumba button's stuck."

    Doug Bailey Telemarketer
  • "I hope these new reforms don't mean I get bumped down on the waiting list for a new eye. Not that I need one, or anything—I just think it'd be awesome to have an eye in a jar."

    Geoff Mercy Systems Analyst
  • "I hope they get the technology perfected soon, because I could sure use one of those horse cocks."

    Risa Stargell Teacher
  • "This new 'worst-first' policy is un-American. Now how will our aging, alcoholic baseball heroes and hippie folk-rockers receive preferential liver transplants?"

    Michelle Hobbs Cellist
  • "Isn't it just like those greedy transplant cases—They gotta have just the right organ, and they gotta have it now."

    George Foley Longshoreman


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