adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

Congress recently reformed organ-transplant waiting-list laws, giving priority to the person most in need instead of the person geographically closest to the available organ. What do you think about the controversy over how to distribute life-saving organs?
  • "Organs should go to those with the fewest. I, for example, have only a left lung and a pancreas."

    Julie Paris Legal Secretary
  • "They're going to give organs to the people who need them most? That's great, because my Baldwin Fun Machine just went on the fritz. Yeah, the rhumba button's stuck."

    Doug Bailey Telemarketer
  • "I hope these new reforms don't mean I get bumped down on the waiting list for a new eye. Not that I need one, or anything—I just think it'd be awesome to have an eye in a jar."

    Geoff Mercy Systems Analyst
  • "I hope they get the technology perfected soon, because I could sure use one of those horse cocks."

    Risa Stargell Teacher
  • "This new 'worst-first' policy is un-American. Now how will our aging, alcoholic baseball heroes and hippie folk-rockers receive preferential liver transplants?"

    Michelle Hobbs Cellist
  • "Isn't it just like those greedy transplant cases—They gotta have just the right organ, and they gotta have it now."

    George Foley Longshoreman

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close