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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Organic Food No More Nutritious

A study by Stanford University researchers found that organic meats and produce did not possess more vitamins or nutrients than their conventional counterparts, casting doubts on the health benefits of organic foods. What do you think?

  • “Personally, I’ll keep shopping at Whole Foods. It’s worth the extra cost to be able to wear my bicycle shorts without being mocked.”

    Daryl Hoss Marine Insurance Salesman
  • “That would mean this whole ‘organic’ trend has been yet another cynical marketing ploy, and that’s just not a world I can live in.”

    Chad Cowley Sports Announcer
  • “I think these scientists need to go back and check their figures. I paid $4 for this carrot.”

    Rochelle McEveety Pigment Blender
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