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Organic Food No More Nutritious

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Organic Food No More Nutritious

A study by Stanford University researchers found that organic meats and produce did not possess more vitamins or nutrients than their conventional counterparts, casting doubts on the health benefits of organic foods. What do you think?

  • “Personally, I’ll keep shopping at Whole Foods. It’s worth the extra cost to be able to wear my bicycle shorts without being mocked.”

    Daryl Hoss
    Marine Insurance Salesman
  • “That would mean this whole ‘organic’ trend has been yet another cynical marketing ploy, and that’s just not a world I can live in.”

    Chad Cowley
    Sports Announcer
  • “I think these scientists need to go back and check their figures. I paid $4 for this carrot.”

    Rochelle McEveety
    Pigment Blender

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