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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Organic Food No More Nutritious

A study by Stanford University researchers found that organic meats and produce did not possess more vitamins or nutrients than their conventional counterparts, casting doubts on the health benefits of organic foods. What do you think?

  • “Personally, I’ll keep shopping at Whole Foods. It’s worth the extra cost to be able to wear my bicycle shorts without being mocked.”

    Daryl Hoss Marine Insurance Salesman
  • “That would mean this whole ‘organic’ trend has been yet another cynical marketing ploy, and that’s just not a world I can live in.”

    Chad Cowley Sports Announcer
  • “I think these scientists need to go back and check their figures. I paid $4 for this carrot.”

    Rochelle McEveety Pigment Blender

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