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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Orlando Murder Rate Up

Orlando, Florida, home to Walt Disney World, is on track in 2006 to have the most murders in 24 years. What do you think?
  • "And that's not counting the murders families commit on the road trip there."

    Sydney Freck Yoga Instructor
  • "Disney will have no trouble turning this tale of slaughter and moral decay into a positive. Didn't you see Pocahontas?"

    Molly Green Coat-Check Girl
  • "That's not a huge surprise. Have you seen Epcot lately? That place has really gone to hell since adding Rwanda to the World Showcase."

    Paul Goldstein Fashion Designer
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