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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Orlando Murder Rate Up

Orlando, Florida, home to Walt Disney World, is on track in 2006 to have the most murders in 24 years. What do you think?
  • "And that's not counting the murders families commit on the road trip there."

    Sydney Freck Yoga Instructor
  • "Disney will have no trouble turning this tale of slaughter and moral decay into a positive. Didn't you see Pocahontas?"

    Molly Green Coat-Check Girl
  • "That's not a huge surprise. Have you seen Epcot lately? That place has really gone to hell since adding Rwanda to the World Showcase."

    Paul Goldstein Fashion Designer

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