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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Ortega's Return to Nicaragua

Daniel Ortega, the one-time Sandanista leader, was just elected to president of Nicaragua. What do you think?
  • "I'm glad Reagan didn't live to see this. No, wait. I'm just glad he's dead."

    Veronica Keller Beautician
  • "I haven't seen him in a while, does he still have the same glasses?"

    Derek Glazer Systems Analyst
  • "Well, we're screwed. With those impotent Dems retaking Congress, Ortega back as president, and our military forces committed in Iraq, it's the perfect time for the Sandanista Hordes to make their move."

    Nick Jones Jeweler

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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