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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Ortega's Return to Nicaragua

Daniel Ortega, the one-time Sandanista leader, was just elected to president of Nicaragua. What do you think?
  • "I'm glad Reagan didn't live to see this. No, wait. I'm just glad he's dead."

    Veronica Keller Beautician
  • "I haven't seen him in a while, does he still have the same glasses?"

    Derek Glazer Systems Analyst
  • "Well, we're screwed. With those impotent Dems retaking Congress, Ortega back as president, and our military forces committed in Iraq, it's the perfect time for the Sandanista Hordes to make their move."

    Nick Jones Jeweler

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