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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Overhead Bins Grow To Hold Larger Carry-Ons

Several airlines, including Delta, American, and United, are buying new planes with larger overhead bins or retrofitting older planes to accommodate larger carry-on bags. What do you think?

  • "Good. I hate storing my things in another part of the same plane I'm flying on."

    Chris Steadman Systems Analyst
  • "That's great news for customers. Larger carry-ons means more weight on flights, which means greater fuel consumption, which should send ticket prices down, if I'm not mistaken."

    Candice Blythe Mycologist
  • "I'm going to use the extra space to store all my problems, because I'm on vacation!"

    Timothy Locke Flux Mixer

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