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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Oxford Apologizes For Sexist Definition

Oxford Dictionaries has responded to anthropologist Michael Oman-Reagan after the latter argued their definition of “rabid” was sexist due to its use of the example phrase “rabid feminist,” a term that Oxford has promised to revisit and potentially revise in their collection going forward. What do you think?

  • “That’s too bad. Dictionaries were one of the last places where men were free to be men.”

    Amos Aronson Staple Bender
  • “So should I get a shot if a feminist bites me or not?”

    Tammy Lefkin Dumpling Wrapper
  • “I guess now we can’t even compare women to dogs without being labeled sexist.”

    Todd Vail Culinary Correspondent

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