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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has increased sixfold. What do you think?
  • "Why didn't the American people tell me they were hurting?"

    Kathryn Hodgkins Systems Analyst
  • "If it wasn't for painkillers, pain sufferers would be forced to resort to voodoo medicine like physical therapy and chiropractics."

    Josh Day Nutritionist
  • "This is obviously an indicator of major growth in two sectors of our nation's population, older people and hillbillies."

    Robert Wharton Shoe Repairman
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