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Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has increased sixfold. What do you think?
  • "Why didn't the American people tell me they were hurting?"

    Kathryn Hodgkins Systems Analyst
  • "If it wasn't for painkillers, pain sufferers would be forced to resort to voodoo medicine like physical therapy and chiropractics."

    Josh Day Nutritionist
  • "This is obviously an indicator of major growth in two sectors of our nation's population, older people and hillbillies."

    Robert Wharton Shoe Repairman

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