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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High

Records show that in 2008, overdose deaths from painkillers surged to 15,000, more than from heroin and cocaine combined. What do you think?

  • "Well, if all those crybabies stopped going, 'Wah, wah, wah! My shattered kneecap hurts. Gimme pills!' we wouldn’t have this problem."

    Adam Sellins Package Crimper
  • "I've always just stuck to huffing. Is anyone dying from that? Because I really love it and have no plans to stop."

    Keith Starzelski Furniture Detailer
  • "Yeah, that was so 2008, after Heath Ledger's death and all. Now complications from pancreatic cancer is totally the hip way to go.”

    Frieda Chavez Unemployed

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