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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High

Records show that in 2008, overdose deaths from painkillers surged to 15,000, more than from heroin and cocaine combined. What do you think?

  • "Well, if all those crybabies stopped going, 'Wah, wah, wah! My shattered kneecap hurts. Gimme pills!' we wouldn’t have this problem."

    Adam Sellins Package Crimper
  • "I've always just stuck to huffing. Is anyone dying from that? Because I really love it and have no plans to stop."

    Keith Starzelski Furniture Detailer
  • "Yeah, that was so 2008, after Heath Ledger's death and all. Now complications from pancreatic cancer is totally the hip way to go.”

    Frieda Chavez Unemployed

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