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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High

Records show that in 2008, overdose deaths from painkillers surged to 15,000, more than from heroin and cocaine combined. What do you think?

  • "Well, if all those crybabies stopped going, 'Wah, wah, wah! My shattered kneecap hurts. Gimme pills!' we wouldn’t have this problem."

    Adam Sellins Package Crimper
  • "I've always just stuck to huffing. Is anyone dying from that? Because I really love it and have no plans to stop."

    Keith Starzelski Furniture Detailer
  • "Yeah, that was so 2008, after Heath Ledger's death and all. Now complications from pancreatic cancer is totally the hip way to go.”

    Frieda Chavez Unemployed
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